Thanks Marco for sharing this song with me. I like Jason mraz singing it, but this cover was really good too so it is the one I am posting.
I talked about my dream and the resulting drain and I feel better. Tired. But better.
7/17/2008 3:26:32 AM
My brain woke up at 3am after having a dream about a former problem. I hate reliving it in my mind.
I jumped last night. I got sweaty and listened to music, finally got my speakers out that I bought when I was in middle school and used those with my zune. It was much better than jumping with my phone in hand. I feel it today, my body is a little sore and I am really hungry.
Since I am up, I might as well get something to eat. I was looking at my routine sites I check for (hoping for messages, hoping that someone local has come along and sent me something - which is funny because if it were to happen I might ignore it out of some fear that I don't understand or I just can't explain in a few words yet) and I didn't have any messages or comments and I was ok with it. I think because I had a conversation with one friend yesterday I feel a little more at ease. There are still a lot of things I wonder about and wish I understood them more. Just for myself I wish I could understand what it is that I could be doing, I think I could make a change and be really happy but I guess I am waiting to know what it is when really I should just make the changes happen until I am happy. That seems to make sense. I am working on eating better and being better to my body. Funny how being better to your body sometimes means making your body sore.
7/16/2008 4:06:52 PM
I have neglected my body and have been eating way too many bad for me sweets without a lot of self control. I just wanted to make a note of this and also to record that I swam today. I only got in 34 laps, but it is better than nothing. This week have I jumped and been swimming. If I can get in the pool Friday too that will be great. Now to just get some food that is good for me and to switch my sweet tooth over to non-candy sweets, like cereal instead of ice cream, fruit instead of cookies, and sweet sweet loving instead of cake. Alright, not the last part, well... at least not until I meet someone.
7/15/2008 5:09:11 PM
I hear thunder outside. I really hope it rains.
7/15/2008 2:23:49 PM
So I have a friend from Spain in the US right now and I have a chance to hang out with him and his friends in SF if I get these tickets. The tickets are 300 bucks and would get me there early morning and get me back by 4pm sunday morning. I wouldn't have to miss any work, I would be tired on Monday morning but it wouldn't be bad. I can't really afford to go though. One of the later flights of the day would put me in vegas for an hour waiting to change planes. I thought about making it an extended trip but I don't have an invitation. I don't know what I am thinking about. I guess it is the money and what I am getting into if I go.
The flights will probably be booked in next to no time and I am thinking it is a chance to meet up with a friend that I may not get the opportunity to do in a long time. I am also thinking it is money I don't have. Why didn't I do some better planning this year?
7/14/2008 6:50:53 PM
I finished reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." I was sad that it was over. I tried not to mope but I think I had a few moments of thinking, what do I do now? I found something to do.
Today I worked midday and that was an experience. I got a lot of sun too, which I don't like about midday.
I don't have a lot to say, funny because it has been so long and normally I have more on my mind. I feel lonely once in a while but I had a pretty good weekend and I am pretty content. At least for the next few hours :)
7/7/2008 4:49:55 PM
Competition was today. I could have done better. The only way I think i could have improved with practice is to have done more hands on scenarios. It was great to experience the competition though and I hope if we do it again, knowing what to expect, we can do better as a team and as individuals.
Beyond that, I am probably going to take a trip with my cousin, aunt and mom in a few weeks. I am a little excited about it, but it will be an expense I could live without. Maybe I should opt out. I need to run some numbers and then I will know.
Per Suggestion of a friend I have started reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." I am enjoying it so far but I haven't read anymore since the day I got it. I will probably read some more this evening.
7/3/2008 4:28:45 AM
it is 4:30am. I am tired. I would like to get back in bed again, however, I am excited about doing training today. I woke up at 2am and had a hard time going back to sleep and I think it may have been because I ate that ice cream and cookies and lemon bar. When I go overboard, I go overboard.
Yesterday was a long day. it was a fun day though. I lost my contacts but other than that and not being able to see or sleep it was a good day.
6/21/2008 8:04:46 AM
I think I went to bed at two this morning. I woke up at 5:45, I had fallen asleep at the foot of my bed with the bedside lamp left on. I was going to get up and use the restroom and then go back to sleep but when I laid down in bed I knocked something off my bed and down the side the wall it slid making such a loud noise for so early in the morning. I wasn't sure what it was but my computer screen lit up and I realized I had my keyboard on my bed. That is what fell.
I get down on the floor to pick it up and as I am trying to get it out of the little trap it seemed to slip into, I get it stuck and a video on my computer starts playing because I guess I hit play. I can't stop it until I get the keyboard or I give up and use the mouse across the room. Lots of noise for so early in the morning. I finally get it out, no telling how many settings I changed by just trying to pull the keyboard out from the side of my bed. I do know I managed to make the video that was playing half sized, then full screen.
Now I am awake, I check a few things online. Then I think about how I really want to go swimming and I have a window this morning, in 20 minutes. I have already showered and am almost ready for the day. I am tired though. I am not going to swim yet, but I am going to lay back down now.
6/19/2008 9:28:46 PM
Maintain control of your salad.
We went to eat. I got a salad. On the way back, my salad slides closer to the driver of the car, my sister. She says, "maintain control of your salad. " I wanted to post that here.
6/15/2008 6:38:20 PM
I have not posted new pics in a while and it would be easy for me to do it but I am trying a different way today. Not adding anything to the server other than this text, picasaweb is going to handle the rest. I took some pics of myself today, I had a friend tell me that it is good to have pics of yourself because you can look back at yourself in time.
I took some pics, took a shower, took some more. Then after an hour of being dressed and my hair almost dry, still not brushed, I took a few more pics. Out of all of the pics I took today, I like the last ones the most. Maybe part of it was because I was dirty or maybe because I didn't have a shirt in some of them.
I don't normally smile with my teeth in pictures, maybe this is an example of why (it was the best out of a few of them).
This reminds me of someone yelling at someone not to look at the camera so they look down, then away, but because I took the pic, it just looks silly to me.
This is the last one that I saw that I liked, nothing more to it. So many of these were bad because it was too dark and I didn't have a steady hand, adjust settings, or brighten the room.
It was an ok day today. Compared to the rest of the week it was pretty good. Compared to other good days I have had, it does not rank up in the top 500.
I played the sims today and I didn't fold my laundry. I am going to get a good nights sleep though so the laundry can wait one wrinkling day.
6/14/2008 11:16:16 AM
Some quotes for the day:
Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. - Robertson Davies
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson
Now that is out of the way I can write about I really wanted to... Just kidding, I didn't want to write about anything today. There was, however, something I wanted to write the other day. I forgot what that was now.
6/7/2008 8:21:05 AM
Yesterday was a really full day. I woke up and started to make sure I had everything packed for my trip to galveston. Then I checked and made sure I had all my stuff for work and made breakfast.
I got to work only a few minutes late and still had time to check everything before 6am. I left work and went home to take my mom out to lunch but she didn't want to go out. Instead, I called an order for some food and went to pick it up. This timed well for me because I had filled up with gas and washed the outside of my car before getting home and now while I waited on my food to be ready, I cleaned up the inside of my car. I picked up the food down town and when I tried to start my car it wouldn't turn. My first thought was, battery?
It is 12:15pm, at 2:00pm I am supposed to have a friend in my car and driving her to Houston to meet a friend. I am downtown, my car won't start, I have my mom's lunch in the back seat, the sun is shining down and it is quite warm... it starts to rain. Sun still shining.
My sister picks me up, we eat our lunch and I run to the store to get a new battery. I pick up my dad on the way back to my car and we get back to my car. The terminals on the old battery (maybe the one that came from the factory {old for a battery}) were corroded badly. So badly that the reason the car wasn't starting may have been the terminals themselves. We had to get new terminals. The old ones were crimped onto the cables so we had to break them off. It was easy to get the negative terminal (not the point on the battery but wire terminal) but the positive proved to be a little more difficult.
We replace the terminals and the car starts; better than it has in a while.
It is now 2:35pm I get home grab my bags, get to the car get to my friend's house, pick her up it is 3:00pm We drive to houston. A wrong turn is taken. I really should have researched where I was dropping her off so I would have been able to find my way. I had no problem getting to my friend's house in galveston after being in the middle of nowhere - Houston.
I had dinner with my friend, we rented some movies, watched Lucky#Slevin ate some cereal. Went to bed at around midnight thirty and slept for a little while. This morning, I plan to have a little more relaxed :)
I want to get a dyson.
5/30/2008 4:08:25 PM
It is the weekend already? It has been a short week and yet it feels like it has been a long one. ok, I didn't have much to say right now.
5/25/2008 8:42:49 AM
Yesterday was a lot of fun and I only wish I had pictures of the day. My friend is now married!
On a totally unrelated note; just so I remember, "Happy nuts are grown in Brenham"
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. - Beryl Pfizer
5/22/2008 3:24:43 PM
I got lucky today, I got home early and did nothing at all but relax. I need to clean up my room for the weekend. I am going to rest some more first though.
5/20/2008 11:03:45 PM
My mom said it was because I don't have any love interests right now. I thought it was strange that a day after chatting with a friend I would start thinking back about the trips to see him and our conversations. Trying to relive it again in my brain as if that would help to understand. That night (the one where I had been time traveling in the morning) I went for a walk and it hit me, one idea that I couldn't get my hands around for the longest time, I finally got. While everyone may have different reasons for doing anything, this concept of drinking, smoking, etc. boggled me and has for as long as I had thought about it, until last night. The simple clarity was wonderful and yet it didn't bring silence to my thoughts; only added to them.
If you want something you should keep it in the positive frame of mind, "I can obtain this, I will obtain this" whatever this is. Keeping a positive frame of mind isn't always easy, especially when you can't make up your mind. Career, wanderer. Why is it so hot in here?
Is it the heat that keeps my temper at an easily irritable level? Why is it so very hot in here? Was it the sit-ups I did in a short-timed, futile attempt to get some exercise in? lol. I am just grumpy because I didn't get everything I wanted accomplished today. That is everyday though, most days I just understand that I don't have the time or the resources available to do everything I want to. Maybe that is my folly, on days like this I just have to remember that I have to stop sometimes. I guess I just feel like I am not moving forward so often I don't know if I am moving at all.
It is still hot in here.
5/20/2008 5:47:10 AM
I swam, I didn't shower, my face hurts, I wonder if I am getting sick or if I am just really dirty. I am reminded of the turnip cure in Mrs. Piggle Wiggle although I don't think my face could support a turnip just yet. Going to shower now!
5/19/2008 9:18:53 PM
It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it. - Arnold Toynbee
5/15/2008 9:38:31 PM
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
5/15/2008 9:47:51 AM
It was a long day yesterday, however, I have today off and I am happy about that. The shirts came in and I really like how they look. It is nice to have a day off, thanks to my co-worker and boss!
5/10/2008 2:49:39 AM
snippet from a long letter:
Today my little sister was working on an English project and I pulled out my notebook to show her what I did for mine 9 years ago. It was horrible and it wasn't because I didn't care about doing a good job, it was because I was frustrated with the class. She was looking over it and said, wow, you were really angry when you did this. I laughed, I knew I was, and I remember why. Funny how somethings stick with us.
5/7/2008 5:43:21 AM
Happy Birthday Chelsea!
5/2/2008 10:06:37 PM
Tired. Ready for a shower but and yet I am too tired. Yuck.
It feels like I am starting over again, it is really different but that feeling of something familiar... Design for the place I work when that is not my job. So many people are looking out for me it seems. First question is compensation. There was a time when I thought they asked that because money was important to them but what I have started to realize is that there is so much more to it than that. I talked to Jeff about compensation rates today and I remembered, I have a few phone calls to make that I haven't yet. I talked to Judy about moving and she said go for it :) I love Judy! I hate to move.
I have been so tired because I just keep so busy and when it is time to rest or play I normally just sleep so it is this horrible pattern of thinking I am catching up with things when really I am falling further behind.
4/26/2008 8:06:12 AM
I am amazed to learn how sheltered I am. I always knew I was sheltered but I had no idea I was so ignorant. I was watching some youtube and stumbled upon a whole sect I knew about but didn't realize how serious they are. I don't know enough to talk about it, it is just really surprising to me.
4/22/2008 4:36:57 AM
I am thinking about shaving my head, well at least buzzing it... thinking.
4/20/2008 10:56:23 AM
My foot hurt when I woke up this morning, I did some stretches and it feels much better.
I spent much of my Friday off searching for music and information on the Moffatts. I did get some songs from Lights Out Love (but the band is reorganizing). I like their sound and am interested in hearing what they sound like with their new members. I want to get the darren Hayes new album soon. It is going to set me back twenty bucks and I think I am going to pay off a few other things before I get it. [Computer]... :)
4/18/2008 8:46:01 AM
What a week it has been. I feel like I have not done much but I must have or I would not be so tired. Last night I put on some underwear and the legs were a little snug, I think it could be from the walking. I hope it is not from the ice cream lol...
So much to do and so little time. I am not sure for how long but there will be connectivity issues with my site until the primary server gets back online, where ever that may be. If you try to get to my site and it doesn't load, come back again, it may be up in a few minutes and it may be up in a few days, don't give up on me yet :)
4/12/2008 7:28:27 AM
Happy Birthday Greg!!!
4/8/2008 3:16:27 PM
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg
4/4/2008 4:01:11 AM
I swam my laps yesterday, 40 of them. I know that I was wiped from not doing it in so long, but I feel pretty good about getting back in the water, I really missed it.
4/1/2008 8:49:26 PM
I would like some music. That is what I would like. I have not purchased a CD in a long long time, and if I could purchase the MP3's from the artist I would, I just need to know who. I am ready, well after a few pay checks but I am looking for music now.
3/29/2008 6:33:03 PM
Oh, and I got the laptop working... Just so you know.
3/29/2008 6:30:01 PM
My mom and I had lunch together when I got home from work. We had a nice lunch together, and I talked most of the time. Then we came home and went to the movies (21) it was fun.
Where is Andrew? How is Justin? my elbows are tired and I need some pool time...
3/28/2008 4:21:35 AM
I have gone on a format frenzy. I formatted my desktop and thought, why stop there, lets get that new laptop that I got and regain the space dell set aside for recovery and who knows what else... I am using the Desktop now, all is well.
The laptop is not so well at the moment. I am trying another install and so far it isn't far enough into it to tell if it will work. I was not able to stay asleep either due to knowing that I currently have a $1,500 brick, or if it was because I kept thinking, why did I get a laptop?
I don't know if I am going to get it to work without outside help, however, I must keep in mind that I wanted the laptop, I still want the laptop and I am happy to have it, really I am. It is just new and that means learning and I have not been sleeping so I am grumpy.
I hope the next post is about how much fun I am having now that I have all of my hard drive space back on my laptop.
3/26/2008 5:26:39 PM
I came home early today and after placing an order for some new crocs with the kind lady downtown, I ate lunch and took a nap. I had a powerful dream before I woke up. I thought I knew who it was in the dream with me but I am not so sure anymore. He and I were in an apartment and I hugged him and we were close and I was holding him close to me when he moaned a little and I knew that he was not interested in me sexually but that moan pierced me in such a way that I held him closer. I ended up carrying him upstairs and we were not kissing or doing anything other than hugging and squeezing and kind of exploring with touch. He moved away from me at some point and told me that I was like night and day. I was really, really, affectionate and seemed to be the most caring person in the world in that moment, Then he sang or played a song I had never heard before about someone that was different in the dark. Somehow I was not affectionate in the light or caring or whatever it was. He was super complimenting me and telling me I was messed up at the same time, or so I felt that way.
It was a really strange dream. I woke up and laid there for a few moments kind of clutching at pillows and trying to decide if I wanted to wake up or go back to sleep to see if there was more to the dream. My mom walked by my room and asked if I was going with them to a performance and I said no. I let her know I didn't feel well and she came and asked what was wrong and I told her I am not sick but I am going to get sick if I don't get better rest. When she asked if I had a good night sleep last night I said not really and she asked if we had my futon in here would I sleep better. I wanted to say if I had someone to sleep next to I might sleep better... but I didn't say that. Such a strange dream.
3/20/2008 8:44:24 PM
I had a strange dream while I napped on the couch about falling asleep. There were people from work there falling asleep too. What can I say I see sleepy people.
I want to cuddle. It may seem strange to some of my friends and while I am often uncomfortable with touch I do crave it. Maybe that is why I am uncomfortable with it, because I want it so badly? Ah, that seems strange to me. I don't know if I am just really selective or if I am just being cautious but I don't want to just cuddle with anyone and if I were to get over that then I bet I wouldn't be sitting here wishing I could cuddle up to someone.
I had hoped that my journal could return to a state of free thinking. Hard to accomplish when I think about what I am about to make public and so often mark it as a private entry. Maybe it is a good thing to have that filter but I am not sure why I have a public journal anymore, if everything is private. Maybe the change is time, age, or the amount of traffic my site gets now. Maybe my current job or potential future jobs that has me tight lipped. Maybe I just don't have anything to really talk about (like now)
I often will ask myself, what is this all for? Other than to put some of myself out there I don't really use it as the learning tool I once did. My last redesign was in 2005 and I have not worked on any new code in a really long time. I think that is normal, to work on something and then to just stop. Somethings just take time. Maybe I am just still trying to heal. Maybe I am using that as an excuse to be lazy.
3/19/2008 2:42:49 AM
I looked up swimming times in my hour of not being able to sleep and I saw Mr. Phelps has swam a 50 m in 20.xx seconds. I am in awe. I am sleepy again.
3/13/2008 6:29:01 AM
I have been working the afternoons this week and the pluses are that I can sleep in, the minuses are that I miss my mornings.
Chelsea finally came home and I am glad she is here even if she is sleeping now.
I am about to have a wonderful breakfast of hamburger steak with gravy and potatoes with cheese. I am wearing such a hoochie shirt this morning lol. It is my brothers old black undershirt and it is so small lol. I almost feel like the hulk in this shirt only less green lol.
3/11/2008 6:54:14 PM
After spending my shift cleaning windows yesterday, I was disheartened to see all of the work I put into them was not that great because when the sun hit them today I could see how streaky they all are. I don't want to clean windows for a while now.
3/10/2008 9:39:26 PM
I am in the mood for a laptop and I did a little shopping tonight
Look at my dell shopping cart
The most expensive without discount is just for comparison, it is the same configuration as the $1,747.00 laptop. The $1,546.00 laptop is the same with the exception of the drive speed is slower (not cool).
3/8/2008 7:10:58 AM
When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. - Abraham Lincoln
3/7/2008 3:54:07 AM
1080 Laps. 30 miles. 3rd Sea.
I did it. Yesterday I completed the second sea bringing me to 30 miles and 1080 laps and most importantly to the third sea. I tried the breast stroke yesterday and I think I can do it. After having one of the guards show me how to a few times i don't know if I am doing it right but sometimes I feel like I have it down. My shoulders and arms are a little sore. I am a little sore all over. and I am awake for some weird reason. I guess 6 hours is all I am going to get now.
3/4/2008 2:59:30 PM
I swam a mile today and asked my boss to watch me do a few laps to see if she could recommend a better... everything really, we were focusing on hip rolling. I think I should focus on just getting a better stroke that I can get a breath in is more important at this point. You would think with all this swimming I would be well on my way to breathing better and not feeling like I ran a marathon after only swimming 36 laps... Maybe I am just not trying hard enough to get fit.
3/3/2008 9:50:47 PM
Good day, not as much done as I had hoped. Worked on some hip rolling today and I forgot to breath and then forgot to relax and then I couldn't get my head above water. lol I am glad I was swimming alone because I am sure I looked pretty silly. I would like to get at least three more miles in before Friday if I can.
3/1/2008 12:09:31 AM
I took a few pics today and this is the only one that I liked from the set. Hides my face pretty well too.
I hid this for a while because I thought it was not in good taste. I don't think it is in bad taste though. I have been doing a lot for myself, this is my site and I am learning so I am putting it back up here.
2/26/2008 6:48:49 PM
I tested all of the guards working with me today. They all passed and it really made me happy that they all knew there skills. That was the most exciting thing that happened today. I do need to sleep though. I am so tired. I only swam 46 laps yesterday and today I just want to sleep.
2/21/2008 3:55:25 PM
I got my hair cut today but I forgot to look at what I wanted to do with it so it looks about the same but it feels so much better now because she put some conditioner in it and it feels like my hair again. I got the conditioner and when I get home and talk to Jesse online, he tells me to get Ion Anti-Chlorine conditioner and Joico K-Pak. Oh a flat iron and clips too, so much to get and no money to get it with.
My room is such a mess and I really need to clean it. I would like to sleep now.
2/20/2008 6:20:37 AM
I finally asked... I don't think I am going to get a response, maybe it will happen.
2/19/2008 10:52:22 PM
We all have dumb moments. Its when you have so many dumb moments in a short period of time that makes you feel like you are alone.
2/18/2008 9:26:21 PM
I took a nap, well I rested for about a half hour and then I went to the pool for the first time in the afternoon and swam 40 laps. My pace was off because I was distracted by people actually being there lol. I think I could have swam 50 if I would have focused more on swimming steadily. It was good to swim though.
2/18/2008 3:42:37 PM
I did not swim today, I took some pics when I got home, of me... Blah. I did not like how they turned out and Jesse is right about my hair, it is a mess lol. I like it but at the same time I don't.
I may go swim in the afternoon for the first time today... maybe not. I am going to nap and go from there.
2/14/2008 8:23:22 PM
I swam 55 laps today. That was the least exciting part of the day. Today was a nice day, I am so tired right now but it was a great day. I heard from a friend I wanted to hear from :) I got lots of candy, people were just nice all around today. I hope all the people who are sick get well soon, especially those with class.
2/8/2008 10:01:05 PM
Getting to see my friend Russell for an afternoon, going to the band pancake supper, and a band concert all in one evening, can't beat that :)
I feel like I might crash out at any moment now lol.
2/7/2008 9:08:02 PM
Well we just got back from the band concert and Synergy Quintet was there playing without and with our band. It was great, they were great, our band played some great music. Synergy had a great presence and really entertained everyone, there was a mosh pit in the front with some young children dancing to the music. It was so funny.
I had to break bad news today and I know the same thing has and will happen to me (being the receiving end of bad news) but I hate doing it. Hate it. I am sitting here at nine and wondering if I am the bad guy. I know I am not so I really am not thinking about it but when I was talking to my mom about it I felt like it. Bed Time.
2/5/2008 1:46:29 AM
Yesterday I swam 26 laps, I really swam a few more than that but I did not count them. I don't know if it was the new goggles or me being tired but I kept sucking in water instead of air because I was not turning my head up enough. I felt like a newbie all over again.
I went to bed at about seven last night and now I am up, I don't want to be but here I am lol. I am going to try to get back to sleep now.
1/31/2008 7:35:00 PM
I have not been called a name in a really long time. I have not been called a mean name for an even longer stretch of time. It seems that after High school the most I get called a name is from people yelling from their cars, why people are so angry when they drive I don't understand, I mean if you are late it is your fault to begin with and if it isn't your fault, take a moment, think back, it probably is your fault.
Anyway, I had a point to all of this. I was called a name today after getting home. I got out of my car, was walking to the driveway (I park on the street) and this truck goes by. I catch a glimpse of the drivers sleeve and they looked like they were in uniform or dressed really nicely so I continued walking to the driveway and looking (practically straight ahead of me) to see if I could see the driver. The windows were too tinted to tell anyone was in the car. As the truck turns the corner the passenger rolls down his window, laughs and calls me a fag. I am not sure if it was my looking (I did not think I was staring), whistling, the orange crocks, my guard uniform, the long hair, my backpack, or a combination of all of those things that make me fag-like but other than the sting of being called a name it seemed kind of silly for him to take the time and effort to yell out like that.
I may never know why I was name called today but I did laugh about it. Like I said, even if I can find the humor in it because of how stupid it was, the sting is still there. Thicker skin? Who needs it!
1/29/2008 8:40:09 PM
There are still things I want to express and that is why I have the damn journal in the first place.
I have been avoiding people in some ways. I don't want to get too close to people and at the same time I want a relationship. Does not work that way :) I thought about that today, I am a leaper. So watch out. I have more to say but this is too much work and I don't want to mess with it. so many ideas and so little... something to get them out.
1/29/2008 1:35:04 PM
I had a dream where my mom and I went to see Justin and his parents for a day. That was a really weird dream, short and weird. I don't think it would have been so weird if we had flown to Nevada for a day. I have had a lot of weird dreams this month. Weird. :)
I have not been posting as often as normal either, well what is normal anymore for me? I thought about taking my journal down because I don't really use it that much anymore. There is still too much I am afraid to talk about and have read. Who I have a crush on or still having a crush on someone I maybe should not is not something I need to be writing about publicly. I used to be really open with this because the only people who read it were my close friends but now things are different. I am probably going to keep my journal I just don't know what I am going to write about.
1/25/2008 3:44:15 PM
This afternoon I got to see the video from the audit and I was embarrassed for how I did. My boss laughed a lot :)
I asked her to test me more often and she said she would so I am happy about that. I hope that I can show improvement the next audit.
I swam today, 22 laps. Normally I swim much more than this but because I have been kind of sick and not swimming, and considering that is about all I had time to do anyway, it is not so horrible. With a short break I think I could have done more but I think that was a good stopping point for the day. What good is over doing it if all it does is make me sick so I can't swim again.
1/23/2008 1:40:26 PM
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright
1/17/2008 9:03:40 PM
Today I was tired but my boss and co-workers did persuade me to go ahead and swim today. I had almost talked myself out of it. I decided to aim for timing instead of numbers because what I have been doing does not seem to be working as well as I had hoped. I paced myself today and did my best to keep each lap in a minute, I made 32 laps in 32 minutes and I was happy with the results. My chest hurt, my body felt tired and that is what I need to work on my stamina and I think that will help.
I also had some great conversation s today even though I was in a sleepy mood. I have so many names to learn.
1/13/2008 9:31:09 AM
So I have been swimming and sometimes I can't get the laps in I want to because swim team comes in and I got a late start. Some mornings I will wake up and I think I will see a slight improvement in myself but the next day that same shadow I saw is not there anymore. Maybe it is just water loss.
I have had a few songs in my head and some from Marc Broussard are great but all from the Carencro album remind me of my Vegas trips. That isn't a bad thing I just remember driving around listening to that album and going back to the airport listening to Home on my first trip. Funny how the soundtrack to your life can bring back recall from something that happened so many months ago. I have been working to not think about it so often :)
I was talking to Caroline, which reminds me I need to finish something up for her, about needing to remember things about myself. I had a dream last night about my boss losing her second job at a retail store, but it was not my boss? I had no idea where I was lol. Remembering things for myself, that I don't have to think about having someone in my life all the time and yet while i have been happy to be on my own there are still times when I will see a couple and I get that strong feeling to start hugging, yearning to be hugged hard. Funny how that is. No matter how hard I might try to think one way, I think I will always revert back to the internal desire to share my life with someone.
Now that just sounds silly now that it is out of my head. lol.
1/8/2008 10:30:49 PM
Chelsea just told me I was like a maid for putting out new deodorant and putting away the used wash cloths. So now, I am the maid.
1/3/2008 6:02:54 PM
In 1965 Doris Burn had Andrew Henry's Meadow published. I do not know when it was added to my library but I remember my mom reading it to me and looking at the book in great detail. The images and story has stuck with me to this day.
The reason I mention this is because while putting away some christmas decor for my mom I wandered over to one of my boxes and looked through it very quickly and I found this book. I thought I had given it away so that other children may enjoy it as much as I did, however, I guess I kept it for myself. Ashame that it has been in a box for so many years not being enjoyed. I love this book and I am so excited to have found it once again.
1/1/2008 10:06:11 PM
I refuse to believe that the most fun I will ever have has already happened -Kevin Boggus
1/1/2008 8:19:47 PM
Here is to: Fighting. Trying. Learning. Failing. Accepting. Achieving. Losing. Winning. Forgetting. Forgiving. Anger. Rejection. Focus. Compassion. Hope. Happiness. Freedom. January 1, 2008
2007 was my year. There were many people who I am sure had equally impressive or important years but there is no doubt in my mind 2007 was a year to be proud of. Nothing like a date or a number to put next to your name and be able to say the two mean something together, and while it may only really be significant to me alone, those hardships, moments, and lessons learned are the building blocks of my life. How many times have I been told that life is a learning experience and didn't get it? This is one of those moments in life where you realize that all that you have been through has gotten you where you are, to appreciate it all, and to welcome what is coming. Now that I say that, there is still a lot I don't feel ready for I could say the same thing about much of what 2007 had in store for me.
I have not written about some of the many wonderful things that have happened this year but most of the important ones to me I already have mentioned. I am so pleased to have finally gotten the nerve to take a trip for myself, come out to my dad, meet so many wonderful people and learned what I already have is a lot of what I need.
I had more to say but I have not put much thought into what I actually want to be read. I have to get to bed but I am sure I will come up with something sometime.
1/1/2008 10:45:30 AM
The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away. - Ronald Reagan
12/31/2007 8:10:04 AM
So for the total for swimming last week was 143 laps. I know I should have done more but that was a 3 day and 3 swim day week for me.
I have been having thoughts about what has happened this year and I love some of it and dislike some of it, funny how those thoughts all seem to lump into like it or don't like it categories. I have to remember that it is all more than like and don't like. I have learned so much this year. I love that I have and I hope what I learn in the next year is just as helpful to me.
12/28/2007 4:05:19 PM
I pushed myself today and I made it to 50 laps, 2500 yards. I think I might just lay down and take a nap now.
12/27/2007 4:56:20 AM
My bro and chels and kyle and many others I am sure want me to cut my hair, but my dad likes it long, my mom thinks it is ok, and I like it... for the time being so I am keeping it, at least until it starts to warm up for the year.
12/26/2007 7:09:02 PM
Back to swimming.
After 4 days of not swimming, today I started again. I did 43 horrible laps today. They were sloppy, not controlled, my breathing was off... However, I did them and I did 37 of them in the same style, something I have not done before. Yay me...
I have some files to work on but I am not going to tonight because I am just too tired, I am ready to climb into bed. Saw Andrew's mom tonight and she said I needed a haircut because the long hair is just not becoming of or on me, not sure what is right.
I got to talk to the nice lady at the pool again today, so many of those ladies are so nice though... Worked by myself for the last two hours, with the exception of Brenda giving me a break to eat. I like my job.
12/23/2007 9:19:48 AM
The closer it gets to Christmas, the less people are available. It is not strange to me but it is interesting that people who make themselves available so much in one way or another, I know I am online a lot for example, and suddenly they are busy.
I look at my contact list and out of the 24 closer buddies I have, only 1 is online right now as a mobile user. Of the 180 other contacts only 14 are online and again, most of those are mobile users. It is nice to see that during the holiday season most or my friends and contacts would rather be away from the computer and have plans to do other things.
This must sound like I don't have plans or if I am online this much why don't I get out more. I have plans believe me but I am in a position to easily check in online from time to time and if I can, why not? I just wanted to comment on how I thought it was interesting that when the time comes to be online or be with their friends and families, most people will travel. I hate to drive, this must be my problem. Well, at least one of them :)
I just scanned over this again and this is one of the silliest things I have spent this many words on. I just woke up so this may make even less sense later in the day. Enjoy my rambling.
A quote:
Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
12/21/2007 3:31:02 PM
Today I talked to a woman at work and we discussed school and work and travel. It was nice to talk to someone who understood my philosophy of wanting to learn about things I am interested in and not giving me a hard time or making me feel like less of a person because I don't want to go back to school right now. Maybe it was the way I explained it, maybe I got a sense from her that she would not reject me... Whatever it was, it was nice to talk to her and she has a lot of insight. It was a pleasure to talk to her today.
I swam 43 laps today, I don't think I can increase that much each time but wouldn't it be great to get to 6000 yards in one session? I think it would be cool. Today was 2150 yards. Whoo Hoo!
12/20/2007 9:05:44 PM
I finally started counting laps for real today so that I could start earning laps for the swim the 7 seas at the pool. I have a lot of swimming to do. I did 40 laps today and I am tired :) I hope I can do that many tomorrow. 36 is a mile in our pool. I am so out of shape.
12/16/2007 2:07:19 PM
I finally got all of my things moved out of my old apartment and I never wrote about it. I have been so busy with things that I should never have been forced to deal with but you have to deal with one way or the other.
I would like to have a post where I can say I know what is coming next but today is not that day :) "sometimes you put all of your desires in an object of affection, but in time, because you idolize, there is only disappointment"
I have a mess of a room to deal with now so I need to get on that now.
12/16/2007 12:21:40 AM
Game night was fun, we missed Andrew but we had a full house and it was nice to have everyone over again. I hope I get my room cleaned up tomorrow, it is starting to bug me.
12/10/2007 8:48:10 PM
I was audited today at work and I was kind of nervous about it. I know I am going to have to study up and practice to keep current with everything.
I have got to pack some food to take to work because I have nothing to eat when I am there, today I got lucky and there was food to eat. I would really like to swim tomorrow because I didn't today due to hunger.
12/6/2007 8:07:36 PM
I swam today, I was really getting into it and then the high school swim team showed up ready for practice so I had to stop. Oh well. Hopefully I will get a little time in tomorrow before the move.
It has been quite a year. I keep wondering what I am going to do next. My hygienist suggested something I had thought about but until she put the thought back into my mind I think it is something to seriously consider. I believe that I can start making some plans and preparations soon. Making some contacts will be a great start and possibly a launching... I just remembered I have a few tasks I have to finish before the end of the year. I have to go to bed now.
11/30/2007 11:35:21 PM
My brother sent me a song...
This is your life are you who you want to be?
11/28/2007 5:35:19 PM
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers
The recent silence comes from many things. One of them being the move and the job hunt which is turning out to be job training this week. Hope you enjoy the quote, I did. My mom, although, did not laugh like I thought she would.
11/24/2007 4:49:04 AM
Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters.
- Margaret Halsey
11/19/2007 11:15:28 AM
I have vacuumed, cleaned off the second bed full of my junk and found some napkins I was keeping as a souvenir of my first trip to Vegas. I was supposed to do a few other things and I wonder if I should make a call to the pool or if I should wait until tomorrow? I do need to run to my apartment to get a few things but I want that to be a day trip thing and I was hoping that I could do that with someone instead of being alone. Maybe? I can call AT&T today because I need to do that. I am kind of excited that I am checking off my lists.
11/19/2007 8:42:34 AM
Last night Chelsea and I made dinner. We made Goulash and tried to make it the way Peggy used to make it. It turned out pretty good and I think the leftovers will tell me that it was kind of close to what I remember having as a kid. I think it was the first time we ever tried to make it the way she did, my dad was surprised at what went into it lol.
11/17/2007 1:54:10 PM
Mom and I started working on cleaning today. We were going to do yard work but the weather is more wet than we expected. Instead we worked in the attic reorganizing it and storing some things up there. It was a mess, it is much better now but still kind of a mess. The garage is a nightmare.
I have a to do list still, sending a fax to my apartment, reorganizing phone lines, calling AT&T, some other things...
I got to talk to Justin last night, that made my week (I am such a silly guy).
11/15/2007 9:03:51 PM
I get drug tested tomorrow... I am so excited :)
11/11/2007 5:57:53 PM
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. - Ellen DeGeneres
11/11/2007 2:30:09 AM
I finally posted some pics from my SA trip. I am so happy with how a few of them turned out.
Today has been a really good day. Andrew came over and we played the Wii, I have really done poorly with my bowling but we both had fun. Then Chelsea and Kyle got there and we played together and it was great.
I am tired so I am going to bed. Justin, I hope your last show was amazing and I hope you get plenty of sleep :) (not that you will read this but just in case). Goodnight everyone.
11/8/2007 1:27:14 PM
The rest of the story:
Sunday night we went back to his house and his friend and cousin came over and we played Presidents and Assholes. It was a fun game to learn to play. There was a moment before we played where Justin and I talked for a while about something I am not really used to. I was glad we were able to talk about it although I wish I had a faster way to process information.
The next day he had to work so I stayed at the house for a little while reworking a letter to his parents and then I helped do a little laundry. He got home early and brought some food home so we had lunch together and then we went to Red Rock. That was so much fun. I want to post a pic and a vid from the trip that he took.
So that is the video Justin took with his phone. I have the picture as well:
I am so excited to actually have some evidence that I was there. After we got back to the car and started driving around I told him that I wanted him to meet my family. We had talked about him coming to visit me before but it seemed more concrete.
We got back and rested a little before his show, I kept talking and would not be quiet lol. Then we went to his show and because I did not have a ticket he asked if I could usher to help out and get in to see the show after, they let me do that and were happy to have the help. I was happy to help them out and really enjoyed my small role in the house that night. The second show was amazing as well. After the show we went out with a few cast and crew members and spent about a half hour just hanging out. We got back to his place, grabbed something to eat, and watched drop dead gorgeous (I had never seen it before), it was really funny. After that we watched a little TV and I was falling asleep so I went to bed. He came up and we talked for a little bit and before long it was morning and we took his mom to work. The rest of the day flew by much faster than I had thought it would. I packed up my bags, got really sad for a short moment while packing. I did not want to go, but it was time.
We went to his cousin's place to hang out and eat, as well as print my boarding pass. I got to say goodbye to his cousins and Aunt and they all asked if I was coming back again and his aunt looked at me and said.. "you'll be back." It was just a great time, great people.
When we got to the airport he started looking for quarters to feed the parking meter and he kept putting in quarters, I was a little surprised that he was expecting to stay with me so long but I was so happy that he was planning to. We got my bags checked at record speed and found a seat close to the security checkpoint and just sat and ate our starbucks snacks and I just enjoyed his company. We played with our phones for a little while and then we talked about him coming to visit me more and I think that helped me not be so emotional when I said goodbye.
It was time for me to go through security. We got up and walked closer to the checkpoint and we looked at each other and hugged and I said quietly in his ear that I really want him to come see me. It was hard to say goodbye to him. We hugged a few more times and I handed my ID and boarding pass to the TSA agent. She looked at Justin and looked at my ID and looked at me and looked back at Justin and said, "Don't let him go, don't let him go. He does not want to go. Don't let your friend go." I cannot remember what Justin said in response but he said something... I wanted to turn back around and hug him again but instead I looked back and said something... we said goodbye again with our eye and body language and we were off. He text me when he got to his car, still in the spot he parked in (not towed away). I waited in line for a little while and then boarded the plane, sitting in the front row for the first time ever. It was nice and I did not "get gay" and cry on the plane. I teared up writing this out but I really think having the plan of him coming to see me makes me not so sad to be away from him. I miss him and I downloaded some of the songs we listened to while I was there but I cannot listen to them just yet. I think of the hellogoodbye song (Here in your Arms) and think about driving around with him, getting lunch, going to see his show, the experience, him. "Hello, I miss you quite terribly."
11/6/2007 9:40:38 PM
So we went to the competition today and Our band placed 21 out of 25 but all of the bands did a wonderful job. The real reason I wanted to write is because on our way back from dinner (a really nice one at a steak house) we were walking and two guys passed us, I don't want to assume, but these guys seemed to be a couple. They were so sweet (then again they were just passing by). They smelled nice and they were really well dressed and they were talking and it was just nice.
So the tv is on right now and I am having a hard time thinking about what I want to say but I did want to get it down that I was happy to see them. It was not the first couple I have seen on this trip but it was the first that reminded me of... couples. Ok I am going to watch some of this comedy stuff that is on.
11/3/2007 2:01:20 AM
HelloGoodbye - Here in your Arms:
I like where we are, When we drive, in your car I like where we are.... Here
Cause our lips, can touch And our cheeks, can brush Our lips can touch... here
Well you are the one, the one that lies close to me Whispers "Hello, I miss you quite terribly" I fell in love, in love with you suddenly Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms
I like where you sleep, When you sleep, next to me. I like where you sleep... here
Our lips, can touch And our cheeks, can brush cause our lips can touch... here
Well you are the one, the one that lies close to me Whispers "Hello, I miss you quite terribly" I fell in love, in love with you suddenly Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms
Our lips, can touch Our lips, can touch...here
Well you are the one the one that lies close to me Whispers "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms
You are the one the one that lies close to me Whispers "hello I miss you, quite terribly" I fell in love, in love with you suddenly Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms
Here in your arms.
But here in your arms.
11/1/2007 9:33:27 AM
So I am back. It feels really weird sometimes to be here. I woke up yesterday morning and I may have been dreaming right before I woke up but the first word out of my mouth was "Justin!" I realized I was at my cousin's place and that was that. I want to go back to red rock, I want to see his show again, ushering would not be so bad again :) I got to see his show twice, once I had a ticket for the second time I ushered so I could see the show for free. I had a good time doing it I only wish I would have dressed nicer to be an usher.
My plane landed Saturday right after noon and I got a call from Justin, he was waiting at the baggage claim area for me. I was excited that he was already there and a little nervous. He saw me and had a huge smile on his face and came up to me and nearly jumped as he moved in to hug me. I was so happy to see him and seeing him this happy to see me was great. He grabbed my bags for me and we were off to lunch.
We had lunch at green tomatoes (both a first time experience for us) and it was a nice place, albeit, a little strange for first timers. After we talked and had a big smiles lunch together we made two more stops before getting home to pick up hair gel, that we could not find, tp, tea, and some new shoes for Justin to perform in. We got back to Justin's house and his parents were still out so we gathered up our things and went upstairs and I showed him the prints I wanted to give to his mom and dad. He helped me choose the one that really was the best and I framed it and wrote a little note to go inside of the frame. After a little time spent catching up a little his parents got home and his mom gave me a hug and asked how I was doing and before too much longer it was time for me to shower and get dressed to see his show for the first time.
There were two projections on the curtain before the show started and before long Justin is flying through a window. I really liked that I knew this show before I saw it. There was a sense of ownership to seeing it live because I knew the lines and the songs and it was exciting. It was like seeing a concert of an artist you knew the songs of (you could sing along if you wanted to and so will most of the people around you). I got to go back stage prior to the show and just hang out while Justin got ready. After the show the kids pile around the actors and get autographs and are shy and no so shy about telling them how much they enjoyed the show. I went back with Justin after nearly everyone had left and the director as well as other actors kept coming in and out of the room and I felt like I was in the way so I kind of hung out in the hall way. When they left Justin asked why I was not in his dressing room and got me to sit down :) He got ready and we went to BT's and saw his cousin and her boyfriend. It was great to see them again and they were very welcoming to me. After we ate we went to a Halloween party and hung out with mainly crew members of the show. It was fun to listen to them talk about things and people I really know little about but I have met so many of them already, I was not completely lost. One of the hosts (I think he was a host) was dressed up as the queen of hearts from Alice in Wonderland and his wife was the Cheshire Cat. It was a great costume party (only a few of the theater people had costumes on). We went back to Justin's place after that and I think we went to bed. We talked before bed and it was just nice to be back and we talked about how time moves strangely because it felt like I was just there.
Sunday we slept in, I always seem to wake up first, and went to family day at his aunts house. They all welcomed me like I was meant to be there and we just hung out after eating and watched old family movies. It was nice to see Justin as a kid and the family in New York. Right before 6pm Justin, his cousin, 2nd cousin, and I went to the pet store to get a collar, tag, and food for the dogs (only one dog needed the collar and tag). That was a fun short outing and after that Justin had to stop by his work and talk to his manager about taking off on Tuesday. While he and his 2nd cousin went in to talk to the manager, I stayed in the car with his cousin and we talked for a little while. I really like how family oriented he and his family are.
This is only Saturday and Sunday and more happened Sunday and this is really long. I think I am going to take a break and look at what kind of jobs are available at the moment.
10/31/2007 12:12:02 PM
I have returned from my second trip to Las Vegas. I had another great time and this trip was different and similar. I don't even know what all to say right now. I am keeping this short for the time being and I will write more later, about the TSA lady, Red Rock, Peter Pan, and family.
10/26/2007 2:36:45 AM
What is up with me? The past few nights I have gone to bed at a decent hour for me, 9 or 10 pm and I wake up about this time, 2:30am. At first I thought it may be a dream or something waking me up but I don't really remember anything. It is almost like my brain is just saying ok get up get up now, but there is nothing to get up to. I need the sleep more than I need to get up. I thought about just staying up till it is time to swim but I can't do that. I am going to get sick if I do that.
My arms are a little sore. I kind of want someone to rub them for me but I feel weird about being touched sometimes. I am thinking there is someone that I would not mind touching them... :P So silly.
10/25/2007 7:17:55 PM
We saw the space station orbit only a few moments ago. It was only a white dot in the sky but it was moving fast. Really cool to see it and I understand why we need to catalog and track space junk.
10/25/2007 2:16:17 PM
The head guard asked me while I was headed out today what her lifeguards were confused about. Sometimes I get done with a lap and I start at the deep end so I will dip down in the water, kind of a I made it hold my breath thing, and the guards are wondering what I am doing. "Who is this guy?" "What is he doing?" lol. I feel bad for making them wonder, but the head guard told me that I was keeping them on their toes, so my weird swimming is good for me and good for them... at least I think it is good for me :)
10/24/2007 2:49:48 PM
Went swimming today. I pushed myself too, I felt good after getting done with it. I did try to do a fast lap, and I was sad at how quickly I got out of breath. I am not sure of the time but I know I did it in less than 40 seconds, means nothing though if all I can do is one. The clock said 30 something but I don't know if it was 31 or 39. Just keep swimming
I am working on roaming profiles a little to see if I can get my moms profile to just load locally because she only logs in on this one computer. I am going to test that out now.
10/22/2007 2:48:22 PM
Paul posted this and I saw it and really liked it. So I am stealing it because I love Love and this is.
Bright Eyes - This is the First Day of My Life
Lyrics:
This is the first day of my life Swear I was born right in the doorway I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed They’re spreading blankets on the beach
Yours was the first face that I saw I think I was blind before I met you I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I’ve been But I know where I want to go
So I thought I’d let you know That these things take forever, I especially am slow But I realized that I need you And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night Just to meet me in the morning? And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed You felt as if you just woke up
And you said “This is the first day of my life I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you But now I don’t care, I could go anywhere with you And I’d probably be happy”
So if you want to be with me With these things there’s no telling We just have to wait and see But I’d rather be working for a paycheck Than waiting to win the lottery
Uh huh, mmhm
Besides, maybe this time is different I mean, I really think you like me…
10/22/2007 1:28:13 PM
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
- Sean O'Casey
10/22/2007 10:59:18 AM
Oh I had some nightmares tonight. Well this morning. I would explain them, but they involved real people and I would not say very nice things about them so I am going to just say I had some bad dreams and leave it at that.
I am going to figure some things out today. Then tomorrow, I am going to swim, I don't care who knows it :P
10/17/2007 1:38:26 PM
OneRepublic Apologize Lyrics
I'm holding on your rope, Got me ten feet off the ground I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound You tell me that you need me Then you go and cut me down, but wait You tell me that you're sorry Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you And I need you like a heart needs a beat But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red- Now it's turning blue, and you say... "Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Bridge (guitar/piano)
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late It's too late to apologize, yeah I said it's too late to apologize, yeah- I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
10/16/2007 4:22:57 PM
I love what my former high school did this year and you can see it in the post below this video but I saw this and it reminded me of greatness.
10/14/2007 8:17:46 AM
So, I went to bed last night at about 4am so in all honesty, I went to bed this morning at 4am. it is now 8:15am and I am awake and I can't seem to get back to sleep.
Does not mean I am not going to try. I was dreaming about being in our old house and my temp job boss was there telling me he was sorry they have not been able to work me in just yet. None of that happened but I guess it is what I am thinking about.
I stayed up late last night putting some finishing work on band.imaginekb.com for my Aunt. I was doing it for Chelsea too but she won't appreciate it much. I had fun throwing it together and had not done something like that in a while so I wanted to finish because I have another site I need to work on, a few of them.
Yeah, I am tired :)
10/11/2007 3:15:26 PM
So I went swimming again today. It would be wonderful if it could just be understood that everyday or every other day I go swimming, however, that is not the case unless I move back home or I get a membership to a place with an indoor pool. I love my hometown. I just don't think I am ready to live here, I have so much more to experience in life.
I am so tired. I swim like a wimp. I finally got three laps in a row in the same style and I was alright but I wanted to go home early. I ended up spending just at one hour in the water and only took a short break for water although I did pause a lot more today than yesterday. I don't know when I will be back but I hope, I hope it is soon.
10/10/2007 9:22:27 PM
I swam again today and bought a 15 time pass so I have 14 more times to go. Whoo hoo!
My allergies have kicked up (sinuses) though so I feel almost dead but other than that I am doing alright :)
10/10/2007 12:41:18 AM
I finally got my resume sent off. I can sit and cross my fingers but I have bigger plans than to just do that. Wish me luck in figuring out what all those plans actually entail.
10/8/2007 2:27:22 PM
I finally went swimming! I used my new goggles which are amazing and I wore myself out. I should have brought some water or Gatorade with me because I almost got sick afterwards lol. But I am all better and I am so glad that I did it finally. I have missed the water so much.
I am really hurt that some people don't seem to trust me. I mean people I know in person for more than 2 years. Well I guess that is their thing and not mine. I hope everyone is having a great day.
10/6/2007 12:41:52 PM
Indecision may or may not be my problem. - Jimmy Buffett
10/5/2007 2:58:07 PM
I took some pics today because I could and I just wanted to post a few of them. I still just have my phone camera for the time being
I have posted the rest of these on the pictures section as well as on the side bar of me here on the journal.
10/5/2007 12:22:05 PM
So yesterday was my last day in the woodlands for the time being and there was a concert in the park as I was leaving and it was a nice exit for me. Just so easy and calming. I am relieved that I can focus on some of the other things in my life and leap into something else with the time is right.
I saw this video and I love it. Makes me wish I could play guitar and sing... and jog.
I have a meeting with Jason tomorrow and today I am going to play and crossing my fingers work on my resume. But I am making no promises. Not today. I can't wait to get into a pool because on my last day in the woodlands I bought a pair of swim goggles and I am ready to give them a go. Maybe I will go this weekend, maybe I will go during the week, who knows :)
Some of my friends have been going to the gym all the time and doing stuff for themselves like that and I feel like I have really been letting myself go. I hope I can turn that around really soon.
10/5/2007 2:38:32 AM
So I am made some changes, now what? lol Maybe I will get some sleep now.
10/1/2007 11:02:46 PM
Things I want to do for myself (goals if you will): Ride my bike Go swimming finish my resume submit for jobs in Austin play some games get some new shoes pay off my credit cards saves some money buy a laptop build more relationships build a family Find/build a home create something learn more about everything give dancing another try sleep well get and receive more hugs that mean something have a dinner party cook something other than cinnamon rolls eat healthier be happy with my life
This is just a short list. It is going to be longer someday, and someday most of what is on it will be struck off.
9/30/2007 1:39:36 PM
I need to sleep more I am getting sick. At least my back is better.
9/28/2007 11:15:48 AM
I have not been sleeping well recently. This seems to happen to me often. I got home from work yesterday and I had to lay down. I talked to Eddie for a little while and then I had to drop out. I slept for about 4 hours and when I woke up I was still tired but hungry so I ate and messed with my resume some. Paul was nice enough to really work on it some for me and he made some dramatic improvements for me. I hate resumes, they make me feel stupid.
I tried to go back to bed, I laid in bed for hours thinking happy thoughts about things that have happened to me and what could be. I tried to clear my mind, I tried to focus on being tired and nothing seemed to work. I just laid there, comfortable but not able to drift off.
I really like a song and I can't find it to download or the cd so I must wait. itunes has it, but I am trying my best not to buy DRM files. Sell me an mp3, please.
9/26/2007 11:21:33 AM
I finally took the time to make some updates to my pictures. I did not quite create the Vegas homage I wanted to, but the pics I took were not that good and I am just happy I got them online. I would still like to do something with that but it will come with time; or it won't.
I need to get in the shower and go to work but I am feeling accomplished, it only took me 9 months to get the Phoenix pictures online and they are kind of a mess but oh well.
I also have one new set of myself and it is of me at my job that is wrapping up and I was just shooting with my phone because that is all I have that works right now. Then I went to Dustin and Jesse's House and Jesse flat ironed my hair for fun and I took pics, a lot of them. These are just a few.
9/26/2007 7:44:13 AM
Woman Exiting Theater (And Entering Rehab)
"It's hard to concentrate on a play when you're loaded on wine."
This morning I woke up at 5:30 am. I am not sure why. At first I thought it may have been one of my alerts or alarms. I checked my phone to see if I had missed a call.
No.
I thought, maybe it was my computer, an instant message got thru unsilenced by my away status
No, not only was I away and mostly disconnected, no missed messages of any kind.
So what was it that got me up and out of bed after only 4-5 hours of sleep on a day when I could sleep in for hours? I am not quite sure. I know there is an underlying excitement because of a purchase I just made last night but other than that I have no idea.
As far as the new job goes, it will be ok for the time being. I don't know how long the time being is but it is there for now and I can manage it. I think the gas is going to kill me and I don't think I want to live there. I am really leaning towards Austin because I would be close to my family and I have so many friends there. I have no idea what I am going to do. I did a card yesterday and I really look forward to what the guy may say about it when he sees it. I wish I could post the design. Oh well. I have a lot of pictures I need to post anyway. I believe going all the way back to Phoenix.
I have to talk to my apartment complex today.
9/24/2007 3:17:19 PM
My brother showed me this and I thought it was really funny
9/24/2007 7:15:26 AM
So I hurt my back Saturday night Jumping on the trampoline. I think it may have been a cold jump that caused it, but I can't be sure. (did not warm up first)
So it is Monday morning and I was up most of the night because my sinuses were all out of whack and I could not breath well. This morning I feel better but I am not sure how I am going to do today work wise. I kind of want to call in but the time to do that is now and I do feel better than yesterday although my back hurts with me just sitting here and I don't know if the drive is going to effect me or not... I guess if I make another post I stayed home today :)
9/22/2007 11:00:47 AM
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. - Jean Kerr
9/21/2007 4:44:35 PM
I was singing this most of the morning yesterday because of a cd I was listening to at work, it was just the music and I did not know all the lyrics so I looked them up.
Al Green - Let's Stay Together Lyrics I, I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do Is all right with me 'Cause you make me feel so brand new And I want to spend my life with you
Since, since we've been together Loving you forever Is what I need Let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue
Let's, let's stay together Lovin' you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad
Why, why some people break up Then turn around and make up I just can't see You'd never do that to me (would you, baby) Staying around you is all I see
(Here's what I want us to do)
[Repeat to fade:] Let's, we oughta stay together Loving you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad
9/21/2007 3:26:25 PM
Maybe I am just down...
Sometimes it just happens. They don't have to be bad things, sometimes they are wonderful things but when you get down sometimes you just get down. The past 24 hours or so I have taken about two hours out of my day (30 minutes here and there) to vomit some of my thoughts into what started as an email to a friend. Now I have about 2 or more pages of thought on the screen and nothing new. I started reading some of my friends Journals to get out of my own thoughts and I discovered that I am not alone like I felt I was.
Going through some archives I found one entry that almost seemed like something I wrote myself. Depression, quick-latch attachment, joy, it is funny how you sometimes feel like you are the only person thinking something or feeling someway and it turns out that your friends are feeling the same way, or have felt the same way at some point.
Maybe we have limits to our emotions and sometimes things just get stuck in a loop. Loops of joy, loops of loneliness, they all just loop. A good day is like the Olympic rings, all the loops overlap and connect. You can move, you can travel, you can discover and build knowledge but sometimes doing those things can't get you out of a loop.
Who knows, I don't. I do enjoy my family and friends though :)
9/19/2007 8:13:23 PM
I feel like I have gotten so little done in the past few days. Today I was going to clean up my apartment some and maybe think more about the job and do some research but I took some medicine because of a reaction and I crashed at... 5? and I just woke up. Not much time to do anything now. I want some company. I want some cookies.
I was just checking messages and someone who has talked to me or read my journal suggested that I talk to a career counselor as well as remind me that there are many other things out there.
I know this may seem silly but this is one of the reasons I like Southwest http://www.southwest.com/programs_services/glbt/glbt.html
9/16/2007 11:10:15 AM
I finally got home and I had such a good day yesterday. I got a phone call from my Vegas buddy (will my excitement over that die down?). My family and I went to the fair parade and saw Chelsea perform. We had game night that night and we ended up playing Risk and a new paper football game. Tonight we saw the Nanny Diaries and it was a great movie, the editing and the story flowed very well. I enjoyed it very much but it was a sad movie, emotional and I wanted to cry so bad. I really should have let it out but I didn't so the next time I cry should be a pretty big one with all the build up I have had recently :P
I was happy on my way home because I have a great family and I love them so much and I am so happy to have them. I needed to get that out and as always I have so much more to say but I want to go eat with them. (I have so much love inside of me).
9/13/2007 4:59:41 PM
The year of firsts... So I have gone through a breakup, come back to life, made some new friends, went to Las Vegas, got a new job, thinking about quitting new job.
So a lot has happened and most of it good. I am starting to feel like my comeback is about to fall back just a bit because of this whole job thing. I am about to make a list and then I may be making a phone call. It may seem silly but I just want to go to my parents and hide for a few days.
9/4/2007 11:50:02 PM
One word to describe my labor day weekend this year... only one word? That is really difficult.
Unparalleled radically distinctive and without equal
I took my first solo trip for pleasure this weekend and went to Las Vegas to visit my friend Justin. The experience of visiting Vegas alone was great but having Justin and his family there made it phenomenal. His family alone is wonderful and a pleasure to be around. The first night I got to meet some of Justin's friends and they are really great people. Considering I was in a new place practically alone, I never felt that way. I was surprised at how easy it was to just be there.
I went to my first club ever and while I dance more like a Popsicle (frozen with a stick up my rear) I had such a good experience overall. I was so nervous and going with Justin and his friends made it easier to relax some. I was ready to go when we left but I was not hating it like I thought I would. All I need to do now is relax enough to get down with the bad ass dancer that lives inside of me (unless atrophy has set in on that tiny dancer). I want to create a section about this trip and how taking it has helped me see how much growth I have done in the new year and longer.
My only real regret is not taking more pictures. I had planned to fill at least one memory card with photos, however, that did not happen. I did get a couple of shots I like but most of them just did not turn out for me.
I feel weird being home (at my parents at the moment). I really enjoyed my trip and while I would miss the trees and green from time to time I think I could live there. Who knows what I will be doing in a few years. This was a massive leap for me that only felt like a gentle side step into a new direction in my life.
Some pictures to come sometime...
8/29/2007 1:23:19 AM
I was just looking at some pics of myself and kind of charting any progress I have made and I don't really think I have made any progress at all. I look at when I first moved in and when I flex I look almost skinny and now when I look at myself I see a little more tummy. Maybe I am just getting bigger and not losing as much fat. Probably it has a lot to do with how little I have been doing for myself. I eat what I want and do what I want and don't do all that I need to do to get where I want to get.
When am I going to take what I want seriously?
8/27/2007 11:02:27 PM
An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.
- GK Chesterton
8/26/2007 11:04:06 AM
Kyle asked me to watch this one and the second and third. I liked it so I wanted to post it. I would have stopped before I started if I was playing.
8/25/2007 3:56:40 AM
Today ended up being a pretty good day. There were only a few minor exceptions and some of them had to do with money but other than that things are going well. I am getting a little anxious about my trip and nervous too. I am sure it will be great.
8/23/2007 10:18:05 PM
I have been swimming the past three nights and I am happy about that, however, a little discouraged at the same time. I have more to say but strangely I don't want to type anymore so I am stopping.
8/21/2007 12:20:50 AM
I got to spend some time with my family this weekend. Sunday I woke up and worked in the yard. I mowed and trimmed and while I did miss a few spots (as my brother pointed out) I felt really good about getting it all done. It was nice to work in the yard again. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done and some of the flower beds need some intensive care.
I did not sleep much so I am hoping to get a really good nights sleep in my own bed tonight.
8/16/2007 7:24:16 AM
I stayed up too late last night. I am hungry, really hungry and I don't know what is good for breakfast. I think I have some oatmeal and if I do that might be good, and some fruit but what can I take with me to eat. What am I going to have for lunch?
8/14/2007 11:57:08 PM
Chelsea sent this to me a while back and I just realized I had not posted it in my journal and I Wanted to remedy that now.
"Kevin. Please come home. Things get so hard without you here. You cheer all of us with your quirkiness and...you make it so all of the negative energy is turned into calm, cool collectedness. You're a regular ion-changing freak. An attention re-setter idol-worshiping-worthy god."
8/14/2007 11:25:50 PM
I jumped a lot last night and it was really nice. I got to talk to Justin and Tom on the phone and Tom reminded me of:
Goals...
Justin had great news about the role he was auditioning for. Jeff is having a bad day but his week is going to be better, the rest of the month... eh we will see. Jesse is having a bad week. I listened to music today and started to cry a little. I think it has been building for a while and I did not get it all out but it was better than nothing. It just feels like a sneeze that won't come but it teases you often.
There are so many sad and horrible situations that have little to do with me and most of them have nothing to do with me and sometimes it just is too much to think about. I would ask why people are so mean to each other but I am mean sometimes and I don't always know why I am.
Paul is on vacation and sent me a postcard, it was nice to get something in the mail. Really nice.
I need to head on to bed but my mind is kind of working. I played simcity4 this weekend and it had just been so long since I had played last, it was nice to be able to. I still want to play some more, this week, but so often I am not in the mood to play.
8/13/2007 11:24:05 AM
I am so glad to be at my parents. I think I will go swimming today... That is my plan but it is harder to do it here with the drive and all. Get over my fear and just do it already. I wish Chelsea liked to swim as much as I do so she would go with me.
8/10/2007 10:11:16 PM
I had a dream the other night where I was driving and I got sleepy so I crawled into the back seat while going 70 miles an hour to take a short nap. No one else was in the car and as I drifted off to sleep I realized that I should have stopped the car first then tried to take a nap. I woke up right as I was about to hit a tree or something... What a weird dream. I have been sleepy lately.
Something good happened and I can't remember what it was now... oh well maybe I will remember later. I got to see caroline and Jared last week and that was nice. I am ready to go home I miss my mom and dad as well as greg and Chelsea.
8/2/2007 10:11:16 PM
I was frustrated when I called my dad this morning on my way to work. Today was supposed to be different. I woke up early so I could handle the chairs before Maury got to work. I was going to have it handled before I was supposed to be there so that I could do my regular work. I was just barely on time this morning. I spent that extra morning time on myself and while I enjoyed that very much, it was not getting me to work early like I had wanted.
I have been trying to find out why I feel so weird and I don't know about the past few weeks but I know today I feel isolated in a strange way. At work I work mainly alone or on projects alone. At my house I am alone and when I am with my friends I am not alone but it is for a short period of time and not nearly satisfying enough to make up for all of the isolation I experience daily. I perked up today at work when I talked to my boss and she sounded happy to talk to me. It was nice to have that change. I have hated work this summer and partially because of the hours and partially because my boss is never there. I am not working for her I am just working and that is not nearly as fun.
Trying to get back onto a regular pattern of sleep has been helpful, however, while I am adjusting I wake up in the middle of the night. I guess my mind thinks I am just taking a nap and it is time to get up, or it is so used to very short periods of sleep. I just feel more tired now than I did a week or so ago when I was staying up all night long.
I miss my family. I am ready to see them again. I want a hug.
7/30/2007 9:25:58 PM
This morning I woke up in a funk. I think it was really when I found out that Maury was upset with me that started it. I told her I would do something, I didn't and she is upset with me, and with good reason. I feel like I need to get up in the morning and go to work if not to make things right to attempt to.
I don't mean to be so flaky.
I am getting excited about my trip and I have been thinking about things I can do and how much money it is all going to cost me. I try to think very little about the money so I don't get sick at my stomach about it ha. I want to do some hiking while I am there and I would like to get a new camera before I go so I don't have to worry so much about the instability of mine. Will it happen? Time will tell.
7/29/2007 4:40:40 AM
Humility is the embarrassment you feel when you tell people how wonderful you are.
- Laurence J. Peter
7/26/2007 10:28:38 PM
I finally posted some new pics and I still don't have a thumb up on the side of the journal so I thought I would post it here. It is just of me though.
You have to be logged in as a member to access this one but there is a new one to the right you don't have to be a member of to see. Just some goof ball pics.
I am hoping that tonight I will be in bed before 1am :)
7/26/2007 8:08:02 AM
I was an idiot and went to bed really late last night. I tried to be good but I had to go see my friends and instead of doing it early in the afternoon I waited until almost nine. Left at 1:30am and didn't get to sleep until two hours or so later. Now I am up, grumpy and pissed at myself for not sticking to my schedule and my head hurts.
At least I had a great week earlier in the week :)
If I can I am going to leave early, ha I won't but I say I will.
7/21/2007 4:05:08 AM
Schlitterbahn trip. I am ready. I got a new shirt to wear, I wish Chelsea did not have to work so late so we could spend a little more time with Alice and Larry and Catherine if she is there...
I am up late because I can't sleep but I think I woke up because I was hungry so I have eaten now and I should head back to bed. Checked my email. Made some plans. Things are good.
7/16/2007 5:22:05 PM
My Cousin posted this and I wanted to repost it for myself, is it true? maybe not but it is uplifting :)
A • Q • U • A • R • I • U • S: Does it in the water
Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic and funny. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock the shit out of u. The best and biggest freak in bed! Considered to be a "G".
7/15/2007 10:56:30 PM
I thought this was very funny. It is so true.
7/12/2007 9:52:04 PM
I rode my bike last night and again today. I am glad I did. I also started listening to some music while walking afterwards :)
I should sleep well tonight.
7/11/2007 1:46:00 AM
I wish I could blame work for being so tired this week and it is taking some of it out of me but I think most of the blame falls on me. I have not been sleeping much because I have just been staying up. I need to get some food and cook something.
7/8/2007 10:16:52 PM
I have never purchased a seventeen magazine but I am going to try to tonight. No, I don't want more insight into 503 cute summer looks nor am I seeking the best sweatproof make up for the heat of this summer. My boss asked for one and she is not looking for those great tips and more. Instead, we are looking for a feature about the UT something or other, the name eludes me and I don't think it is cheerleaders but more like dance team for the school.
I better go look for it.
7/4/2007 10:21:08 PM
These moments of blah. I think I was born wanting to cuddle but also very shy. I have been told I am not that shy but I think I just have built up some confidence over time. I could use a lot more, however. If I was not born this way then when did it start?
I can remember being very young and lying in my bed trying to go to sleep and I would start to rub my chest slowly pretending someone else was touching me. Day dreaming of a time when I would be going to bed and someone would be there to touch me and hold me. Was it triggered by television? When I was younger than that did I think that way?
I have not been thinking about work much recently. I have instead thought about how I have made some new friends recently and how I can spend more time with them. I have also thought about how I can continue to make new friends and bond with them in ways I have not done in a while. I think about how I can manage my time better and how I am going to visit Caroline and Kim, Andrew and Judy. Judy lives here and I have not seen her in months.
Is it because I just got home from my parent's today so the loving and commutative nature of being at home just does not really exist here at my apartment? Normally once my week gets moving I start to feel better about being here and since I have met some of my new friends I have felt more comfortable about being home.
I am still lacking something that I thought I would be ok without for a while longer. Maybe it was experiencing some of it not too long ago that made me want more of it. Similar to sugar, stop having it for a while and you stop craving it so much, but as soon has you have some again you start to crave it.
I think I just need to invest in a large pillow or start using the one I have again to cuddle up to. I think it would also help tremendously to get my sleeping pattern back on track. There is also that job switch that I have been thinking about and maybe it is just time to get hopping on that. Whatever it is I do I just wanted to write about how I think it is interesting that this, sometimes overwhelming, desire to cuddle is frustrating for me.
7/4/2007 2:08:21 AM
Should your boss contact you or should you contact your boss or does it depend on what your boss wants from you? Where is my head?
7/3/2007 12:35:26 AM
My Horoscope for the day:
Not every day can be a great day -- after all, don't you think you would eventually get tired of smiling, tired of having no challenges, and tired of meeting no resistance? Learning to balance your life is impossible unless you experience all the highs and lows that the universe has to offer you. Embrace any 'bummers' that come your way today -- they keep you focused, they keep you driven, and -- in the end -- they keep you happy (believe it or not)
7/2/2007 2:05:48 AM
I need to draw a ribbon. I don't know how to do that. I don't know if I will use it. Ribbon? Blue and shadows? hummm. I need to go to bed.
7/1/2007 4:57:27 PM
I want to create something.
6/29/2007 3:04:11 AM
I am going to try to go to bed at a decent hour tomorrow. I hope that works out for me :) If not... I am sure it will. Today was a little boring at work and I really don't want to go in tomorrow but part of that is just be wanting to sleep in as long as possible.
6/27/2007 11:06:53 PM
He is just so helpful first he plays
Then he shows you how:
6/27/2007 3:37:01 AM
I wanted to talk about walmart and the guy that made the woman say what she said in front of me. and other things. switching over.
6/26/2007 7:47:58 AM
I am not getting enough sleep, I stayed up until almost 3am last night cleaning my apartment. The good news, my apartment is a little cleaner, the bad news, there are still some boxes on the floor. :P
6/20/2007 7:53:54 PM
I tried to swim tonight but after only being in the water 30 minutes the weather got bad and started lightning. There are still people in the pool but I am not taking a chance, rather be a little chunkier than zapped. I really need to build up the courage to just use the bluebell pool by myself because no one else will go with me.
6/19/2007 11:01:58 PM
Greg, Kyle, Chelsea and I arm wrestled tonight and Kyle kicked all of our butts. It was not a great thing to lose but it was fun regardless.
I did not get to go to the pool today but Greg and I wet the trampoline and jumped. I wish I would have gone to the pool. :P
6/18/2007 4:09:55 PM
We played laser tag today and here are the scores:
Me - 3725 Kyle - 2375 Laura - 2150 Greg - 2125 Chelsea - 25
6/18/2007 1:09:47 AM
I love inspector gadget and I thought this guy was really talented:
6/17/2007 4:24:35 AM
I have had a great week. I met some new people and they are all nice and fun (what I know of them thus far). I have gotten little sleep and I took some more pictures of myself. Just what I needed :)
Some of the pictures I took at work today came out pretty good but some of the ones I thought had come out well were pretty bad. I hate when that happens. My clients were happy today and I am really happy about that. I need to go to bed. Happy Father's Day!
6/14/2007 9:42:43 PM
(link) just a thing i did today for dan, not the direction he wanted to go but I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
6/13/2007 7:36:17 PM
This was in a bulletin and I wanted to post this because Eddie and Kyle call me a slut all the time.
AQUARIUS - The Slut
(1/20-2/18)
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to Have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
6/11/2007 6:57:31 PM
Well niveknet is gone for good I think but I have been working on updating some information and http://nivek.imaginekb.com is now live and the links seem to all be working. I still have a little more updating to do but until then I just wanted to post that more of the geek in me can be found there.
6/10/2007 6:55:46 PM
I realize my last post was a little long and based on being tired and depressed. I have given a little though to some of the older writings I have done. Thinking back to the days when I was talking to Tom and wfm001 i think it was when I wrote about waking up in the middle of the night at my parent's and going into the pantry and imagining him holding me. I have missed those moments. There is something extremely satisfying about a holding hug and touch in general. It fulfills so much inside me. I still have those yearnings to be touched. Remembering that about myself scared me because I think from time to time that it will not happen to me again. It does not help when Eddie tells me I am going to become a spinster, however, his intentions are just to motivate me to get my ass out and do things.
I have not seen my friends in too long of a time period now but things are coming up where I should have some more time. It is impossible to do everything and it is difficult to do all the things I want to do. I need to update my list :)
wfm001 and others can be found on the about page so you can read what I am talking about. Touch is key, a partner is not a requirement but it is very important and has serious meaning to me. Judy has some good points.
6/7/2007 1:49:41 AM
Why is it there are still nights where I can't fall asleep. My mind won't stop sometimes, thinking about the past and what happened. I try not to think about it because it only brings me down. I tried to think about my grandmother today and remember that I am happy for her life being long enough for me to have known her and to have had time with her but then I get down because I still want her around. Then I am down about all of the loss. I have been trying to go to bed but I have not succeeded. I almost cried today, I think if I really cried I might be able to get some sleep.
My self worth is really low today. Tomorrow it might be better but this has been a low streak week for me. I want to make friends but I am afraid to for many different reasons, will they know him, will they be moving away soon, will they hurt me. These are not questions that normally are going through my head. Normally I am either busy or happy or both, sometimes I am not busy but my mind is working. My mind is not working right now. I am just going through motions.
It is time for me to make up my mind about my future and start to head toward my decision. I am afraid. Things are just a little different now. My mom is in NY, my close friends are scattered all over the place and the local ones are so busy so often, conflicting schedules.
I started getting a little down while driving today and thinking, I thought about pulling my site down so no one could see me or read about me. I get that way when I am down and I have not been down like that for a while. Normally when I see a happy couple I am happy. Recently I have been feeling uncomfortable seeing couples. All of these tales, stories, movies, shows, books, materials that involve cheating and betrayal. And I know that I am just as capable of screwing someone over as the next person is and knowing that I wonder how does anything ever get done.
Maury was having a bad day today and I know what she was talking about. "What is the point of doing anything" she asked. I told her there were days when I asked that question myself and when I do, I get really depressed.
Well I have rambled on long enough, I stopped writing this when some friends started to talk to me early this morning. I finally got to sleep around 3am. I had a pretty productive day at work and I still don't know what I am doing just yet. Thanks for all of the support.
6/5/2007 11:52:37 PM
My brother shared this song with me today and the final chorus gives both of us goose bumps
Fall Out Boy - Golden - Lyrics:
How cruel is the golden rule? When the lives we lived are only golden-plated
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me
And though I carry karats for everyone to see
And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raised their babies
To stay away from me
Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams
Where the sewage of youth drown the spark of my tears
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me (too heavy for me)
And though I carry karats for everyone to see (everyone to see)
And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raised their babies
To stay away from me
And pray they don't grow up to be me
6/4/2007 7:31:18 AM
I totally forgot to mention how last night we all played the Wii and it was great. They all picked it up really quick and Alice got three strikes in a row after I bowled for her getting two in a row for a total of 5 in a row (I guess we were bowling).
I wish Alice, Pam, Dee, and my mom were still here so we could all have fun but I am glad they are going to have fun in NY. I am only a little jealous...
6/4/2007 4:51:51 AM
They gave me a response finally, Dee wanted to pull me out of my bed this morning by the legs and Pam was making a lot of noise, not as much as my mom but she was not trying to be quiet once she found out who short sheeted her bed.
They have left and already called to ask me to check the coffee pot to see if it was off. It was not off but I got it. I wonder how many times they are going to try to wake me up :) I still am laughing :P
6/3/2007 10:59:34 PM
My mom, aunt and their friends are going to NY tomorrow. They are all staying at our house tonight and Chelsea and I had to make the beds so we did but we wanted to play a prank. We decided to short sheet the beds, however, my dad, chelsea and myself have never done this before and did not know what to do so Dad had to look up a video online to show us what to do. As of now, we have heard no reaction but we had so much fun today talking and laughing about it.
Before we could finish making the beds my mom came in and saw the sheets and said what in the heck are we doing, she laughs and when we told her
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